A badly written script

Apr 28, 2025

That’s what my life feels like.

I’ve spent the past few weeks bent over my desk multitasking…studying, searching for jobs that fit my schedule as a student, adding one or two lines to my proposed newsletter series for my birthday, and trying to keep up with the skills I’m currently learning.

There’s so much talk about finding systems and routines, but there’s little about people whose realities don’t fit into systems, no matter how they try.

I don’t know how long I can keep going like this…doing a lot yet feeling stagnant. It just struck me–trust me, the realisation was as painful as getting a metal box dropped on my head–that I’ve grown so comfortable with undermining myself that reaching for more seems like a crazy idea, a taboo even.

Half the time I’m winging it, trying to keep up with all the trends and buzzwords and moving trains…the whole lot.

I want to get away from it all, I wish it was as easy as logging off Instagram two years ago and not coming back till early this year, I wish I could step away from all the noise for even as little as two days.

I don’t know how and I don’t know when I got to a point where it’s practically impossible for me to step away without risking the total destruction of what I’ve put so much effort into.

I say I’m perpetually tired because no other words describe how lethargic I feel on most days. I wish it was easy for me to sit face to face with someone and explain how I feel, exactly how I feel but that’s kinda impossible for me, this space is where I’m comfortable being ‘vulnerable.’

For fear of going overboard, I’ll stop here. I might delete this later but it feels good to let it out at this moment.

Here’s to hoping that I figure things out eventually.