Healing The Porcelain. (Kintsugi)
O human, how fragile and beautiful you are
The concept of birthdays has been somewhat alien to me for years. When the clock strikes midnight on the 9th of May, I often find myself transfixed and blank, unable to accept that I am entitled to a whole day that’s about me, not just a few hours, but full-on 24 hours. This year, I think I can finally say that I get it. I’m not scared to tell people my birthdate. I’m reveling in all the love that surrounds me. I don’t feel like I haven't done enough to deserve this.
Last year, I left here a few days before my birthday, not because of birthday blues, but I supposedly left on a self-imposed search for the essence of my being. I left to release every speck of emotion I was feeling on the days leading to my birthday and soak them up in a vacuum of writing only, without the exposure to other people's writing to inform mine. I wanted it as raw as I could manage, of course, I was going to edit it thoroughly to avoid the risk of trauma dumping on you guys, but you get my drift.
What happened instead: I got comfortable with consumerism, my creativity and inspiration were threatened; music, books, and life’s experiences provided little to no spark, not enough to make me write about them, even on paper.
I did find myself, not in the perfectly streamlined version I had mapped out in my head, but shifting, bending, and morphing in many beautifully haphazard ways, I found pieces of me tied to the experiences of other people, some unnecessary, some congenital to my existence. I found more belief in the necessity of humans, often pondering the ‘what ifs,’ marveling at how just a minuscule shift in the timeline of a person can change the whole trajectory of their lives. A colossal part of me has been seeking grace from myself for years, grace to let go, grace to embrace the many ways I am broken, because for me, the only way is through the cracks, the meanders, sharp twists and turns. I think that's the most profound thing about my life since I turned 21–finding grace.
Sometimes my life feels like a plot twist, not as part of a story but a story created to be inherently unconventional; it scares and excites me. If you've ever been in the halls of shyness, and you manage to fight your way out, you keep fighting your way out, almost every moment, those walls that constrained you will keep finding ways to enclose you in their bitter embrace, so you claw and you stretch out the binders that hold you, you struggle with the light sometimes because it’s harsh and blinding but it’s not - you’ve just been in the dark for too long.
I turned to Psychology once I had forgiven myself, yes I had the grace that I’ve craved for so long and I could give it too but I yearned for something deeper- to understand the intricacies of the human mind, to fully grasp how to extend the hand of empathy to those who need it, and in the exact ways they need it.
It’s an ongoing self learning process, and I have no guide. The first YouTube suggestion I got–thank you algorithm–would go on to spur me to do better in my relationships and let some go, for the sake of the sanities of both parties involved.
With spirituality at the core of my being, I tend to think that I am not allowed to make mistakes because of the high standards I set for myself, most of them very unrealistic if I’m being honest. Most of my favourite Bible verses, the ones that constantly replay in my head when the searing voice of negativity threatens to break my soul, are those that speak to the frailty of humans.
These verses are perfect depictions of what it feels like to be truly seen, to know that there is a higher being, something beyond the scope of humanity that sees me in every possible way, that understands why I am, why I exist, and also holds my life.
I recognize in this moment the constancy of grace and love in my life. Extending grace calls for a lot more than forgiveness, empathy, kindness, and selflessness; grace is a call to serve without the expectation of external validation, to do the quiet, hard work.
I have experienced love so unshakable that it has created a permanence of knowing that no matter how bleak life may get, there is a wellspring I can always draw strength from. For the very many times the frailty of human nature has knocked me down, the reassuring hands of grace and love have built me back up, brick by brick, delicately, softly, and with patience.
Here’s to another year with the many different permutations that it holds, whether it be a storm or it be gentle winds of change. Here’s to not being scared to be seen trying, here’s to loving even better, here’s to accepting my flowers in full measure, here’s to more serendipitous moments, to creating and experiencing even more beautiful memories with friends, family, and strangers alike.
Happy Birthday, Zehisa. You rock!🙂↔️
Happy birthday love!
happy birthday ❤️