Different unpublished letters have been sitting in the drafts for 2 months, I had scheduled time and topics to discuss with y'all, and I had put in place strategies for a blossoming community here. This was set out to be an assembly point for us - Late bloomers, the confused ones, the unintentional latecomers and every other person still trying to figure life out. It was all there—the plans, but now I'm not so sure. Although school has been a rollercoaster that I just can't seem to get a hang of, it didn't deter me from writing to you then but now this thing, whatever this thing is, this heavy feeling that threatens even my greatest passion is deeper, bigger even, than myself and so I'll be dropping The Pen. I'm hoping this is one of those momentary decisions one makes but later comes to realise is a wrong one but if it isn't, then I guess this is goodbye.
It seemed rude to just go off the radar without any notice (especially to the ones who have stuck with me throughout my short stay here) and it only seemed fit that I write to you now more than ever.
In the words of Jay Acunzo "Writing is like a meeting", if this is our last meeting then I want you to know that every action you, my Comrade, have taken in helping me to connect with you and other people, is tucked deep in the middle of my heart, enclosed by the warmth, love and support I get from you guys. You guys are the reason this space came to be.
As usual, stay jiggy, listen to good music and relax in love.
The above was supposed to be my last letter to you, Dear Comrade. I had written it one night in April, convinced that it would be published the morning after (lol). At the moment that I wrote it, I admit I wasn't feeling my best, I had been away for relatively too long and I just wanted to call it quits, different thoughts ran through my head like "Why bother, there's no need to continue writing", and the more I wrote, the more thoughts like this became convincing to me. The morning after and I told myself that I would publish the letter at the end of the month. I didn't.
May came and I was filled with renewed hope. You see, I have a penchant for making sure my birth month is almost always perfect so the plan was to: write the leaving letter and go on to tell you I wasn't going to leave you after all, I would stay and keep being your "Comrade from the mail", all I had to do was find the perfect time.
The first day of May came and went, I didn't feel ready, my birthday came and went, still didn't feel ready, and that feeling has dragged on to this moment. In retrospect, I still cannot fathom what ready meant to me, I wonder if it meant when I had everything I was hoping for or when I had enough subscribers, ironic because I wasn't even writing let alone pushing for more subscribers. I'm curious as to what you would describe your ready as, do tell.
Here's a recent experience that I learnt a few things from:
A little background story – I'm a lector in my church and I've always wanted to read God's Word in front of his congregation, when I joined the Board of Lectors, I was told that as a new member, I am required to attend meetings at least 3 consecutive times as a sign of commitment before I would be assigned any reading. My thoughts? Easy peasy, I knew what I wanted and I was going to work towards achieving it.
As the 3 weeks probation came closer to its end, and the prospect of me reading got even more real, my dread increased. So, by the fourth week when I thought I would escape it, a member of the society pointed out that I had completed the requirements and I should be assigned to read the coming Sunday. I cannot describe the amount of fear that enveloped me as soon as those words were uttered, I just kept repeating "no, no, no" in my head.
Long story short, I was assigned to take a reading on Sunday (theoretically speaking, I was assigned to take the Prayer of the Faithful). Despite my best efforts to hide it, the president noticed my reluctance to accept it and asked if I wanted to do it, I said no. (Yeah, yeah I would give myself a knock too, this is something I've always wanted to do but as soon as the opportunity comes my way I'm trampling it for reasons I do not know.)
When asked why I didn't want to do it, I muttered a few excuses to which she countered until I finally said "I'm not ready". Almost immediately, she said, "You'll never feel ready enough, you just have to take a leap of faith, keep showing up, and with time and practice you'll get better”. I took the reading on that Sunday and I made mistakes but that's okay because:
I got to do something I've always wanted to do.
Honestly, at that time I felt like maybe these people didn't like me that's why they would ask me to read despite my hesitation but now I know they were just looking out for me.
I made mistakes and even though I wanted to die of embarrassment then, the feeling has worn off, infact it's one of the funny memories I like to share with people. I know better now and I'm not going to make the same mistakes.
"You'll never feel ready enough, you just have to take a leap of faith, keep showing up, and with time and practice you'll get better”
In essence, I'm here to encourage you (as usual), to take a leap of faith today, it might not feel like it now but in the long run it'll pay off — you'll get better, and you'll see improvements in your life. You don't have to rush the process, savour it, keep moving and learning, (unlearning and relearning too, if the need be.)
Easier said than done huh? I know. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to advocate for reckless living by saying you should jump headfirst into everything without proper planning. In better terms what I'm trying to say is this - You know that thing that gives you a sense of living, that thing that makes you want to do better or be a better person, your ikigai; if it's fear that's making you feel less of a person than you are, making you feel inadequate and stopping you from going for that "thing" especially if you know that you've got what it takes, then dear Comrade, you've got to show it who's boss.
Every time I've wanted to write to you in the past 5 months, I've been stopped by fear, fear of what? Well, even I do not know what I've been so scared of.
This is a two-way letter, to YOU and ME.
I cannot count the number of opportunities I've missed out on because I didn't feel "ready". You shouldn't miss out on the good stuff that's meant for you because of fear. So I ask: WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO SILENCE THE FEAR TODAY?
For me it's finally writing to you, submitting my written work to literature magazines and seeking help from others concerning the digital skills I want to learn.
HAVE YOU EVER PURSUED SOMETHING YOU FELT UNPREPARED FOR AND STILL GOT IT?
Do share.
Lest I forget…HAPPY NEW MONTH x6
You shouldn't miss out on the good stuff that's meant for you because of fear.
It warms my heart to have held your attention this long, if you’re feeling generous you could share this with someone you think might need words like this today.
If someone sent this to you and you aren't subscribed yet, please do so, I'd be so psyched to have you as one of my Comrades. Feel free to look around too.
Now to my fave: the good stuff.
I have missed sharing music with you so this one right here is a special one for you.
Till I write to you again Dear Comrade,
Stay jiggy.
Zee✌🏾.
I'm happy you decided to pick up the pen again.
To get rid of my fears, I'm learning to leave my comfort zone and interact more with actual humans.
It’s how I find your writings so relatable, and how you write so beautifully,damn!
A recent random instance is me deciding to go for a retreat activity that I had initially decided not to- because of primarily a fear of socializing. So yeah, that’s new and it’s refreshing to want to try something I would normally not do.